Hackers steal records of 4 federal employees. Wait, that's 4 *million.*
Q: Uh, excuse me, excellency. Can you tell us what actual number corresponds to "several'?
FBI guy: (inaudible)
Q: Um, excuse us but no one in the audience could hear you. Could you please, kindly, we beg you, repeat that?
FBI guy: "Four (inaudible)."
Q: Is that "four"?
One official described it as "one of the largest" thefts of government data ever seen. No one could think of a larger theft off-hand but no one wanted to say this one was "THE largest" since that might get their ass fired by the emperor.
Investigators said the hack was a separate attack from one detected last year. Which suggests the OPM didn't tighten their security much since the first attack.
An FBI spokesman said the agency...well, you decide what he said:
a) "...is working with other parts of the government to investigate."
b) “...takes all potential threats to public and private sector systems very seriously,"
c) "...will continue to investigate and hold accountable those who pose a threat in cyberspace,"
d) "...argle bargle dinkle tinkle yowza."
e) all of the above statements are equally informative.
Later in the day the emperor held a press conference in the Rose Garden in which he said "Our computer systems, like our borders and national security, are all safer than at any time in our nation's history thanks to my leadership."
Whereupon every member of the White Hut press corps applauded. Vigorously.