Newest demands from an organization for the perpetually aggrieved

An organization calling itself "The People in Solidarity to Secure Reparations for Oppressed People" has issued a list of demands to the entire population of the U.S. and the Trump administration.

1. Whites must be banned from eating watermelon, and white girls must not wear hoop earrings, as both these are "acts of cultural appropriation."  Failure to obey this demand must be considered a "hate crime" punishable by six months imprisonment.

2. We demand the removal of George Washington's picture from the one-dollar bill, since he owned slaves.  It is oppressive for us to have to look at his picture, and obviously people--even oppressed people--can't buy things in this oppressive and racist country without looking at the currency.  Washington's picture must be removed from the bill by the end of the year.  He should be replaced by Jesse Jackson or Malcolm X.

3. For the same reason, the name of the capital of the oppressive U.S. of Amerikkka is offensive to all non-racist people of the world. Accordingly we demand that the name of the capital be changed from Washington DC to "COSA" ("Capital of the Oppressive States of Amerikkka.")

4. The above demands--like all demands for social justice in this oppressive, racist country, made by the victims of that oppression, who actually built everything here-- is non-negotiable!

Our technical people say it's possible some of the above was garbled in translation, but it certainly seems to be as real as any newz on CNN.